Everyone loves to have a go at predicting the group stages of the World Cup. I’m no different. Here’s my soon-to-be-proved-wrong attempt at predicting the final group stage standings.
Unsurprisingly, Neymar and chums romp through Group A with little difficulty. An opening day win against Croatia sets the tone. Mexico struggle against the technique and ball retention of the Croats, and Cameroon might as well have not qualified. Fred scores lots of goals despite not being that good.
In Group B, Holland (as I prefer to call them) topple Spain in the replay of the 2010 World Cup Final and don’t look back. Spain beat Chile and the Aussies. Chile depend heavily on Alexis Sanchez, Australia do very little at all.
Falcao-less Colombia win the group over the Ivory Coast on goals scored (how exciting!). Yaya Toure looks pretty tired but is still incredible. The Japanese struggle against the top two but beat hopeless Greece, who can only dream of repeating their Euro heroics of 2004 and don’t even score a single goal. Rubbish.
“Youthful, Exciting England can win the World Cup” cry the tabloids as we beat Italy in Manaus. The awful pitch stifles Pirlo’s passing game, and England break with pace and energy before retreating to soak up the pressure. A draw with rat-faced racist and co. follows, before an easy win in the final game seals progression. Uruguay squeeze through the group at Italy’s expense, and Balotelli throws a tantrum. Some other team loses all three games and fails to score.
France recover from the shambles of South Africa four years ago to top the group with maximum points. Samir Nasri and her lesbian life partner are bitter. Ecuador qualify ahead of a youthful Swiss side by exploiting their pace on the wings, with Montero catching the eye and Antonio Valencia blasting many ‘cross-shots’ between defenders and goalkeepers. Honduras get a point from Switzerland, with a goal likely scored by someone named ‘Palacios’.
Argentina win the group without dropping points because they have Sergio Aguero and Lionel Messi. In an otherwise scrappy and low-scoring group, Nigeria come out ahead of Dzeko’s lads on goal difference. Iran score one goal somewhere and no one really cares.
Not-so-dark horses Belgie/Belgique play lots of nice football, with smiley Romelu Lukaku and Eden Hazard having plenty of fun. Putin’s XI qualify, more due to the lack of quality from South Korea and Algeria than anything else.
A GROUP OF DEATH!!! HUZZAH!!! Oh wait, no…no shocks here. The Germans are predictably ruthless and dispose of all in their path, despite the press recently (and prematurely) declaring the death of German football after an all-Spanish Champions League final. Ronaldo comes second in the group after lots of gesturing and hair-wetting, whilst USA and Ghana battle it out for 3rd. Michael Essien laughs continuously on the bench.
So there you have it, that’s how the World Cup group stages will/may/probably won’t play out.
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